Little by little, I let my writer’s imagination overpower my morals.
But isn’t that the way of Satan? To feed you a lie and make you think it’s okay, it’s just a little lie.
I can hear him mockly even now. “But you enjoyed this escape into a world of your own making.” The evil voice I hear sounds like the wolf in the commercial that says, “I am only the flu.”
The godly hate lies;
the wicked cause shame and disgrace. (Proverbs 13:5 NLT)
Let me tell you how my nightly sin started.
I am an author, writing to help others overcome past abuse and find joy as I have. But, for several years, I have desired to write a romance novel. It has to do with the insight the Holy Spirit gave me about my relationship with my first love.
But this love story I wanted to tell kept coming to me, not as a dream, but as an outline as I went to sleep. It isn’t graphic, and it has no purpose other than to entertain. If you have read some of my posts, you may know I have written about how God convicted me of being entertained.
There has been no candlelight and roses in my marriage. We were too busy and broke raising kids. Our romance now is to do little things for one another. I may need more romance. What do you think?
I have read many steamy romance novels, some of them made me blush. I gave those up years ago. Because I knew they raised my expectations of how my spouse should be romancing me.
The lie I told myself it was work; it was for a book.
As I lay in bed beside my amazing husband of thirty-seven years, my mind wandered to the other man.
We were teenagers when we dated. My brain is on the verge of bursting with ideas. What can I add to this story? What twists and turns? The story took on a life of its own.
Each night, I would try to fall asleep without my new comfort — a little dose of sin and lies. Then, the first thing in the morning, I’d repent and vow not to give in to this nightly distraction.
I try to bargain with God.
But, Lord, I go to sleep so much quicker if I take him out of the dark corner of my mind, even if I make two sentences — nothing steamy, evil, or vulgar.
The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. (I Corinthians 10:13 NLT)
Then I find myself tempted again.
So, I don’t write “ him” into the story. I know he is there, but he can only watch as I manage a business and build this romantic story into something worth reading. With him on the sideline. Crazy, I know.
Sin is sin. No matter how small or innocent we try to make it out to be, it’s still a sin.
For the person who keeps all of the laws except one is as guilty as a person who has broken all of God’s laws. (James 2:10 NLT)
I remind myself that it’s safe to plot this story out because I can’t act on these feelings. You see, my first love has passed away.
I may feel compelled to finish our story because it ended poorly all those years ago. Or, I need to express what I failed to voice in that relationship. The Holy Spirit gave me insight into why it ended as it did, as I had held on to anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness. Now that I have dealt with that, I must complete this story and move on to God’s important work.
So, for next month’s NaNoWriMo, I will attempt to write it out. It will not be a 50,000-word novel but a short story. No more bedtime plotting, no more outlining. No extra person in my head. The Lord and my husband have my heart.
