Why should I? After I chose sterilization.
Sterilized — deprived of the ability to produce offspring. Doesn’t that sound strange? The same word that means made free of bacteria. We chose this safe method of birth control. Yet, it sounds like one is put into a large container to be made free of bacteria.
Were we playing God? Sterilization is such a drastic thing.
Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. (Psalm 127:3 NIV)
A fear of birth control pills had me try an intrauterine device after the birth of my youngest, with a bad result. I had pain and problems for several years. A girlfriend had died from blood clots in her lungs from the pill; she was twenty-one. So, I reluctantly went on the pill for several months while we talked about the pros and cons of tubal ligation. For some reason, we never spoke of my husband undergoing a vasectomy.
I had three boys, two of whom I was raising with my husband. (I gave my first son up for adoption in 1968). We decided that two were enough for us to raise.
Secretly, I wanted a girl, but being practical, I didn’t speak up. I had nieces that I could dote on.
No, the practical thing is to have a tubal ligation. My Doctor chose to cut my tubes and place silicon rings on them.
Then, three years later:
The pain came on suddenly one night. It was sharp and on my left side. Honey, will you drive me to the emergency room to see what is wrong with me?
At the ER, I saw the Doctor on call. He was one of my bosses and a founding clinic member where I worked as a computer operator. He checked me over, did some bloodwork and a urinalysis, and sent me home.
Over the next three weeks, two OB/ GYNs and two surgeons examined me at the clinic. I underwent various tests. No one could find the cause of my pain. Unfortunately, this was happening while my gynecologist was away on his honeymoon.
The pain was all-consuming.
I prayed but didn’t call the church to ask for prayer because I was seeking freedom from pain from the doctors I worked for instead of my creator. I am sure the Holy Spirit told me what to do, but I could not hear Him over the pain.
I would work a few hours or days and be in so much pain that I could not function. The year was 1978, and ultra-sound wasn’t widely used. The clinic had recently purchased one machine for full-term pregnancies.
One day, after an early morning test at the hospital.
I stood at my computer console and felt a gush of liquid going down my leg. I remember seeing my mother hemorrhage years before. She had to have an emergency hysterectomy. When I removed my tampon in the restroom, I heard a splash. Looking down to my horror, there was the largest blood clot you could imagine.
I went to the restroom door and waited until another female employee came in from lunch. I called her over and asked if she thought the blood clot should be examined in our lab. She said, I’ll go to the lab, and we will figure this out. She returned and fished it out and into their largest specimen container.
Meanwhile, I was shaking and in pain. I drove myself home and collapsed onto the sofa. Within minutes, the pain intensified. If I could have reached the phone, I would have called 911. I must have passed out.
My sons came in from school and awakened me. A little while later, my husband came in with his brother and girlfriend from Kentucky. He had picked them up at the airport in Atlanta. He was expecting me to have dinner ready. The weekend was a blur because I took the pain pills one Doctor had prescribed.
The Doctor I saw in the ER was the one who sent the blood clot to the pathologist. I got the results the next day: products of conception, no fetus found. This didn’t persuade the Doctor, an OB/GYN, or me about my problem.
Exploratory Surgery:
My Doctor returned from his honeymoon and decided to do an exploratory surgery. He stated that he thought he should go ahead and remove my uterus, as it was no longer needed. At this point, I agreed to have surgery the next day.
I underwent surgery on July 3; my Doctor discovered I had become pregnant in my fallopian tube. It had ruptured, and infection was spread. Mine was only the third ectopic pregnancy he had seen. I don’t remember if I had been on antibiotics, but I must have. Even so, I would not be here if the surgery had not happened when it did. I was in the hospital for six days. I was shocked to find out I had been on morphine for a few of those days.
At the time, I didn’t process that I had lost a baby, one I hadn’t planned on having.
Trying to find my way back to health was one thing. My marriage and job suffered because I wasn’t meeting other people’s expectations.
For it is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish people. Live as free people, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as God’s slaves. (I Peter 2:15–16 NIV)
Then, I became stressed because I would lose my position as a computer operator.
The manager called me into his office when he heard I was to have surgery. First, he asked whose idea was my surgery. When I told him, my Doctor said the surgery was necessary. He told me I would lose my position and be moved wherever he saw fit when I returned from leave. He did not close the door; almost everyone in the office heard what he said.
But then, the kind lady who helped me the day I passed the blood clot had been at a Fourth of July cookout with my Doctor. This is what she told me later happened. She inquired how I was. Upon hearing that it was an ectopic pregnancy. She said, “Thank God,” rather enthusiastically. Then, my Doctor said, why did you say that? She told him that I had been treated harshly by the office manager during this illness.
The following week, my Doctor called a meeting of the doctors, and they told the office manager he was not to move me. I had done nothing wrong, and I was to keep my position.
I was so messed up I kept asking, why me, God? It took a lot of prayers before I got to why not me.
That finally gave me the capacity to grieve for the baby.
In my head, it was a girl, and I wanted her in my life. So, again, I questioned God, why? But why not me?
This very week, I heard from a pastor’s wife. She said she told God that if He wanted her to have another child, He could bypass her sterilized body parts. She became pregnant and was able to carry to term and deliver her only son.
Recently, I sought the Lord’s presence with an Immanuel Prayer regarding this time.
Here is what I heard the Lord express from my prayer as I asked: where were you when I was in physical pain? I was working to draw you closer to me. Then I remembered He had suffered for me. Wow!
Then I asked Him where He was when I was grieving for that baby. He said I was with you. I have never left you alone to walk in the darkness. This was a time in your life when you let the world pull you away from right living.
Lord, help me not to complain but to always be grateful for your presence with me.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10 NIV)
A few years later, after my divorce;
I relocated back closer to my family in north Georgia. Here, I met a charming, kind, sweet, generous, and funny man who happened to have three daughters, with full custody of the youngest. She was two when we met, and I fell in love with them both. We married the next year.
God gave me the girl He wanted me to raise.
I could not be closer to her if she had my DNA. Recently, we celebrated her fortyth birthday with a surprise party.
