Forgiveness Can Mend a Lot of Fences 

Being saved and baptized in the Spirit did not keep me from holding my mother responsible for my hurt. I was being held captive by my unforgiveness. How about you? Compared to some of your peers, are you as advanced in life? Personally or career-wise? What is holding you back? Could it be pain from your past?

I am taking a big, bold, and frightening step with this article because I will discuss my sexual abuse. I had some memories that surfaced around 1990. These memories are a little fuzzy. It would have started when I was put into pull-up panties for potty training. The year was 1950 or 1951.

Where these small boys got their sex education is beyond me. They were only a few years older than me. My memory is that they explored my body with sticks. Did I not cry out? Did I not bleed? Would there not be, at the least, redness? Why did I not tell, at least, of this first encounter?

This is where and why I held my mother responsible. I held the anger and let the bitterness eat at me for years because I wondered how she did not see the evidence. In my mind, I thought she saw but did not care since I was the reject she did not love. Whoever bathed me, whoever saw the redness, should have alerted my mother. The buck stopped there!

There were no other little girls in my neighborhood for me to play with, so I became a “tomboy.” I remember the boys taking me into the back of an abandoned box truck. This was their secret club that I got to be a part of. I got to feel close to someone. I was held. I was significant for a brief moment. When you feel unloved and rejected, all it takes is a little attention.

When I was four, I used the “F” word while we were visiting my aunt. This was another incident in which my mother should have caught the sexual abuse. But she failed to ask any questions.

Mother took me outside, where she broke a small branch off a tree or bush to use as a whip. I was left with whelps and bloody stripes covering my legs and some of my arms where I tried to shield my legs. She did not ask, “Where did you hear that word? We do not use that word in our house. Tell me where you heard the word.”

No questions, no answers. So there was a continuation of the sexual abuse. It went along with the physical, mental, and emotional abuse I received from her. I was the ugly baby. I was the unloved child.

I was hurt, I was angry, and I stayed this way. We moved away from my sexual abusers when I was six, but it took years for me to find healing. I told no one.

Until I was a senior in high school. I fell hard for a guy (let’s call him Danny/ not his real name). After months of dating and speaking of marriage, I felt secure enough to confess to him that I wasn’t a virgin and why. He held me and told me it was okay.

Soon after, he planned for us to elope. But he waited until our Friday date night to fill me in. I was only a few months shy of graduating. It was 1966. You were not permitted to attend school if you were married. I said no, not now.

Well, that was the beginning of the end of us as a couple. In my mind, I blamed the fact that I wasn’t going to be a virgin bride. Therefore It was her, my mother’s fault. For not saving me from the sexual abuse. After all, it happened on her watch.

Years later, God let me know that the sexual abuse wasn’t the reason I felt this rejection and a broken heart. It was because Danny was not accustomed to being told no. But God told me Danny thought I didn’t love him enough, or I would have chosen him above all else.

Healing has come for my sexual abuse; it has come for my mistakes. Healing and forgiveness have released me to grow in so many areas of my life that I am simply astonished. God allowed what He wanted to happen in my life. It is so I could share with others that there is joy waiting for those who have been hurt by abuse.

But my first step had been to accept Jesus’ sacrifice and acknowledge that the Holy Spirit is always with me. Then I had to learn what forgiveness is for. It’s not for the other person; it’s for you!

Jesus said, “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” (Mark 11:25–26 NIV)

That truly opened me up to the truth. I had to ask forgiveness for my unforgiveness! And I had to forgive myself, and I had to do that several times over the years. 

Even when you are very young, when abuse happens, Satan will put guilt and shame on you and make you feel terrible. The Lord told me it was “a blameless sin.” I had to ask the Holy Spirit what this meant. He said, “This is sin in which you didn’t understand what was happening to you. But because you believed the lies of the abuser and kept the abuse a secret, you still need God’s forgiveness.” I didn’t hesitate to ask and receive.

I’ve asked my dead mother to forgive me. Because I don’t know what was going on in our household in those early years when I was sexually abused. God knows my heart is to hold no one responsible for my pain. I know now there are some great memories of my early childhood. Finding them and the joy took a lot of healing and a lot of forgiveness.

Someone will usually ask why they should forgive those who hurt them. The above verse is the reason God does not forgive you until you forgive. It is for you, and you will be amazed at how good it will feel.

If Satan can keep you from learning this one thing, he can keep you away from God’s plan for your life. Don’t let Satan win. Forgiveness isn’t always easy. No rules say you have to confront your abuser or abusers. Lift them up to God, tell Him you forgive them, and you want Him to deal with them in His mercy and grace. Do that and see if you don’t feel better and lighter.

Learning about walking in the Spirit and developing the fruit of the Spirit is a great adventure. An adventure you will never regret.

God is busy redeeming time for me so I may continue healing, forgiving, and finding joy. And, of course, helping others learn about His goodness and mercy.